Santa and the Pole Dancer

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screenplay by Alan Nafzger

LOGLINE #1: When a pole dancer answers an ad on Craigslist, there is no way she can know the job is entertaining Santa’s workers.

LOGLINE #2: After a contentious labor election at the North Pole, Christmas comes to a screeching halt and must be saved by Candy Caine, a dancer hired to improve elf morale.

Candy Caine answers a add for a “pole dancer”… but the work is at the “North Pole” and isn’t necessarily naughty.

The elves have become lethargic and morale is low. Santa tries to improve things in the toy factories but it is impossible. He must hire help to make the elves want to work. Candy is a stripper from New York City, but Santa is at a lose for a solution. And who cares… the elves love her.

Morale is low but Candy improves things… not with her striptease… but by her warm personality. She is prepared to take her clothes off to save Christmas, but it isn’t needed. Her friendship and charm and ingenuity works.

Candy has just graduated law school and taken her bar exam. While waiting for her results, she moves to the North Pole. She plays peacemaker when Santa’s elves become embroiled in what is nearly a civil war.


Hyperpluralism is a state in which many groups or factions are so strong that a government is unable to function. There is the assumption that the Santa’s Workshop is apolitical (without politics or strife) however, what if that is not the case? Could ideological politics drive Christmas to a halt?

When I teach American Government the first day we talk about the definition of “politics” and power. I explain the scope of “politics”; it is everywhere and always present. In this story we are reminded that the “struggle for who gets what, when and how” could even apply to Santa and the North Pole Elves.

Inherent in this story, is also the phrase “polarized” which is refers to the divergence of political attitudes to ideological extremes. Santa’s workshop becomes politically polarized. The left hates the right. The Right hates the left. The outcome is disastrous.


  • Elf Vladimir (communist) advocates the violent overthrow of Santa. “All Power to the Elves.”
  • Elf Lyndon (liberal) advocates the slow progressive agenda that will in time make Santa a figurehead. “No Justice No Toys”
  • Elf Saul (democratic socialist) “Make Love not Toys”
  • Elf Ronald (conservative) “Santa Deserves Better”
  • Elf Thomas (libertarian) advocates free-markets and free minds. “The best government is the government that governs the least.”
  • Elf Augusto (reactionary) advocates return to the old Christmas. “In Your Heart You Know He’s Right”

Santa’s position is that of almost every manufacturer. His two brothers are unemployed executives who used to run factories in Detroit. On his desk is the slogan, “The Buck Stops Here”. He is concerned about the long-term viability of the Christmas operation under a union contract. He is also kind and compassionate. He fears work stoppages and slowdowns.

An Elf Magistrate is assigned to hear cases and assist Santa. He keeps the “naughty and nice” records. His job is much like a judge.


  • The hunter has a childlike fascination with toy soldiers, but kills a dear.
  • The animal rights activists finds homes for stray dogs, but he steals show dogs from a a breeder and exhibitor.
  • The banker and capitalist collects coins, but issues credit cards with high interest rates.
  • The welfare queen reads books all day she loans them to everyone, but she applies for and gets two government checks.
  • The smoker creates intricate and beautiful portraits, but he gets emphysema and the government must pay for his treatment.
  • The CIA interrogator as a toy train, but he torture a terrorist.
  • The Christian mom collects snow globes, but she bakes cookies
  • The illegal immigrant flies beautiful kites, but he take off running and the border patrolman trips and bloodies his chin.
  • The left wing teacher loves origami, but talks all day about how Christopher Columbus, John D. Rockefeller and “white male privilege” has ruined America. She then scolds her students when they fail their exam. They don’t know who George Washington, Douglas McArthur, or James Madison were. They do not know who Bill Gates or Sam Walton are. They know everything about Frances Willard, Jane Addams, Eleanor Roosevelt, Dolores Huerta, Sonia Sotomayor, and Oprah Winfrey.
  • The gay has a doll collection and loans them out to kids in the cancer ward, but afterwards goes out dancing with other men.


After the United Toy Workers (UTW) obtained the signatures of 45% of the elves and obtaining access to the plant. Since the UTW qualifies as a “top-tier” labor group it was entitled to hold meetings on plant property and meet regularly with company representatives.

Before the labor election, Santa and his advisors reluctantly change a long standing policy that “Christmas is for kids.” When Santa’s new policy “Christmas is for everyone, so long as the North Pole isn’t unionized.” is announced there will be a major expansion for a limited number of adults. The rules and regulations handed down by Santa and approved by the Executive committee of Elves, will read, “Christmas will be limited to adults with a childlike fascination.”

There are arguments for and against the expansion of Christmas, but basically it boils down to jobs. The UTW are angry about the move, as many elves have relatives who want to hire on. They need the jobs. They go into the election When the election is over and the UTW is narrowly rejected, politics at the Pole becomes increasingly contentious.

After a contentious labor election, Thanksgiving dinner at the North Pole turns into a nasty brawl. Santa is caught in the middle of a huge political struggle that threatens the future of Christmas.

Candy tries to make friends with all the ideological players. She, of course has the job of entertaining and distracting the elves, but she goes beyond that and develops interpersonal relationships with everyone.

On the left, Elves Vladamir, Lyndon and George meet to discuss strategy. They can’t agree on methods. They can only agree that change is necessary.

On the right, Elves Ronald, Thomas and Augusto meet to discuss strategy. They also can’t agree on methods. They can only agree that things need to remain.

They begin to come into conflict when the new “adult Christmas” policies comes into effect. When new “naughty and nice” books are opened, there is a vicious debate about what constitutes naughty and nice.

The left moves to punish hunters, capitalists, bankers, smokers, policemen and Christians. They move to “check privilege.”

The right moves to punish illegal immigrants, left wing teachers, gays and
They move to “make a meritocracy.”

The “political” elves surveil adults that qualify those who qualify for the expansion. They all have a go-pro and present the video to the record keeper. A magistrate who is assigned to hear cases and assist Santa. Children are easy and almost automatic. Adult cases garner a lot of attention and are a clash-point between left and right. When the Elf Magistrate encounters a “political” case he just hands it over to Santa.

When confronted with the rules and regulations (rules written for children), must rule against almost every adult accused of being bad. Also because of the political unrest and the threat of a coup d’état Santa always rules in favor of the plaintiff. The end result is that no adult can ever qualify for Santa’s “good” list.

Candy and Santa encounter obstacle after obstacle that prevent him from achieving peace at the pole. “Peace at the Pole” is the agreed upon slogan to fight all the other slogans. Political slogans cover everything bathroom walls, machinery, Mrs Clause herself is bumperstickered.

Candy and Santa seem close to achieving his and her goal/objective. Then, everything falls apart, and toy production is first slowed and then halted.

The Elves spend all their work day on politics – making speeches and bumper stickering everything.  The radio station stops playing Christmas music and run 99% advertising. The North Pole television news becomes polarized – left and right.

Candy and Santa reach their lowest point and seems farthest from a solution. Candy contemplates moving back to New York. Santa applies for a job of CEO at a major toy company. He makes the final cut of candidates. He may be offered the job. He even makes salary concessions.

Santa highly stressed and contemplates canceling Christmas for adults. Apparently, no adult qualifies. Santa appears near a mental and emotional breakdown. Santa begins to show signs of a breakdown and makes mistakes. Some Elves worry. Other Elves are engaged.

There is a factory wide meeting. This is a point of maximum tension and the political forces in opposition confront each other at a peak of physical or emotional action.

Elf George stands up and uses a megaphone to say, “I hear you, the rest of the factory can hear you and the people of the world will hear all of us soon.”

Elf Thomas writes a document, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Elves are created equal, that they are endowed by Santa with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Elf Ronald and Elf Lyndon organize Elves to rampage and tear down the opposing signs.

The Elves arm themselves. Elf Augusto arms the right and Elf Vladimir arms the left. Harmless guns that fire rubber darts, but still they hurt!

Santa announces his resignation. The left cheers and right is despondent and near the point of violence. There is however a pause in the political infighting when Candy asks, “Who will deliver the toys?”

She takes the stage and the DJ begins playing rock music and pole emerges from the floor of the stage. However, Candy gives an impassioned speech to the elves. She persuades the various factions to stop fighting and to get to work.

There is a brief period of calm at the end of a film where a state of Christmas equilibrium returns. The Elves having seen the brink of a ruined Christmas… and they work diligently to be finished by Christmas Eve.


  • Christmas is Red!
  • Come and Make It!
  • Screw You – Pay Me!
  • Eat Santa!
  • Chavez Lives At the North Pole!
  • Every Elf a Santa!
  • Santa’s Good Enough for Me!
  • Hey, Santa, how many toys you make today?
  • I agree with Nick!
  • It’s Santa’s Job!
  • Labor Isn’t Working!
  • No Santa, No Master!
  • Christmas is not a Dinner Party!
  • Save the Day!
  • Load the Sleigh!
  • Santa Needs You!
  • There Ain’t No Such Thing as a Free Toy!
  • Vote for Change!
  • Elves are the 99%
  • Elves of the Pole, Unite!
  • It’s About the Toys, Stupid!
  • Keep Cool and Keep Santa
  • Let Well Enough Alone
  • There’s No Indispensable Santa
  • Give ’Em Toys, Santa!
  • I like Nick!
  • In Your Guts, You Know Santa’s Nuts
  • Christmas Morning Again in America
  • Yes, Christmas Can!
  • Christmas We Can Believe In!
  • Christmas First!
  • It absolutely, positively, has to be there before Christmas Morning.
  • A Christmas is a Terrible Thing to Waste!
  • A Toy is Forever!
  • Make More Toys!
  • Got Toys?
  • It’s My Christmas Too!
  • So Easy an Elf can do it.
  • You’re in good hands with Santa.
Screenplay Santa and the Pole Dancer
Santa and the Pole Dancer


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