Story by Alan Nafzger
Runtime: 24 minutes per episode
“The New Russians” is a Russian TV series, where the immigrants are horrible but harmless “creatures”. The immigration police, almost entirely demons, are just looking for a reason to deport them and they have only one human friend in Moscow.
“The New Russians” is written to be a Russian sitcom. The program focuses on the life of Maksim Bortnik, a social worker employed by the National Migration Service, in an alternate reality version of Moscow inhabited by monsters and other immigrants.
An upbeat, mild-mannered man named Maksim Bortnik moves to Moscow, which is inhabited by humans and a wide variety of non-human and demonic species. He gets a job as the one of two social workers at the National Migration Service, an organization that specializes in the integration of the non-humans (vampires, zombies, ghosts, etc.) that live in Moscow. In his office there are over 100 policemen and he the only social worker. The policemen are all trying to deport non-humans and Maksim is trying to help them fit in.
Maksim lives with a lazy, over-sexed vampire roommate and has Stalin’s ghost as a co-worker and a female demon boss. His girlfriend, who is also his boss the National Migration Service, is the daughter of Satan and an unknown human. Maksim’s girlfriend looks like Tanya Mityushina only with tiny red horns that occasionally show through the hair.
Maksim struggles to stay cheerful and politically correct while working with his bizarre and frequently dangerous companions.
- A 21-year-old guy at the National Migration Service’s Social Services Division and a newcomer to Moscow.
- While attending college, Maksim was an excellent student but they never taught him anything about vampires, ghosts or zombies. So considering his job at immigration, he is under-educated.
- He has recently moved into his first apartment, a two-bedroom he found from a ghostly real estate agent.
- His roommate became a blood-sucking vampire in an ill-conceived attempt to pick up a woman.
- Despite the frustrations of his job where his boss Sacha Mazur downsized Social Services to two people in the pilot in order to shift funding to Law Enforcement,
- Maksim maintains a positive attitude.
- He has an on-and-off relationship (always within the same day) with his immediate superior, a moody red head succubus named Demidova.
- Despite his lax attitude towards his personal life, Maksim is dedicated to his job and the people he looks after, coming into conflict with the anti-immigrant Bohdan Gilyov during the course of his attempts to help immigrants in need.
- Because Maksim is completely undereducated about the different species that inhabit Moscow, he often makes mistakes with his cases, which is a major theme throughout the series.
- Maksim also has an unhealthy obsession with eggs, and likes the Moscow metro, and on regular occasions has stated his intention to name his children Khrushchev and Nixon.
- Maksim and Demi are “engaged to get engaged”. But every episode they break up so what does it really matter.
- Maksim’s roommate, who became a vampire in an attempt to win over a cute girl with a vampire fixation, only to find out she had moved on to zombies.
- Unemployed and undead Kostya spends his days doing odd jobs to pay the rent (including making amateur, hidden-camera pornographic movies of Maksim and Demi having sex).
- He often uses a catch phrase of sorts by groaning the word “crap” in a way stereotypical of a zombie moan for brains.
- Kostya hails from South Ossetia, a fiercely anti-vampire community, so he has been forced to hide his condition from his parents (especially his father, who fought in the Human-Vampire Civil War).
- Due to his Vampire nature, Kostya is frequently killing his dates, forcing him to find replacements at the local taverns. Like other vampires, Kostya finds the smell and taste of blood appealing.
- He has admitted that he has been living his sexual life so long that he is indiscriminate in choosing sexual partners.
- He sometimes gets cravings for blood, causing him to go temporarily insane with desire, and is in a program similar to Alcoholics Anonymous to deal with his cravings.
- He has rarely misses an opportunity to consume blood.
- He only has two working taste buds, one for blood and one for coffee.
- He also has a bad habit of using Maksim’s things without permission.
- A Ukrainian succubus who is Maksim’s immediate superior, and also his on-again/off-again girlfriend.
- In between romantic interludes with Maksim, she berates him for being so caring and sensitive, although she loves it and gets turned on when he talks about how cruel and sadistic she is.
- She is the half human/half succubus daughter of the Devil and a human mother who was drugged by a demonic cult and forced to bear his child.
- Demi is frequently marginalized with her demon side, and displays drastic mood swings and physio gnomic morphing between her demonic and more human appearances.
- Although she is drawn to Maksim because he is nice, she feels in her heart that she will inevitably end up with someone like Sacha Mazur, despite being repulsed by the idea.
- She dislikes her father (the Devil), seeming to be more turned on by Maksim after believing her father hated him but has shown to deeply care about her mother, going to her to seek advice.
- Being a female demon, her body goes through a process called Excruciating Earthly Peeling, in which the toxins in her body causes her skin to peel, revealing for a new one. During this EEP, she becomes increasingly deranged where the only thing that can numb the pain is sex.
- She is shown to be overly possessive of Maksim, and can’t stand to see him have any fun.
- Unlike all pure demons, Demi has a soul, though she can remove it at will and she frequently checks it at the door as if it were a coat.
- When Demi is sexual aroused her nipples burn through her bra and blouse. Her breasts smoke when Maksim criticizes her. Typically then, they have sex. After which Demi breaks up with him.
- Also, she gets aroused by the sight of physical injury. Car accidents and house fires are a good reason for her to find Maksim.
- According to Maksim’s calendar, her period is three weeks long.
- A Georgian ghost and probably the ghost of Stalin, whose path has led him to a social services job at Moscow’s National Migration Service.
- He is supposed to be Maksim’s partner in helping the non-human immigrants but is always working against him.
- He has totally been miss-assigned. He most wants to deport non-humans and would make a great over-zealous policeman.
- His primary goals in life are to drink heavily and to somehow manage to get into the law enforcement section.
- He hasn’t done any real work in over three years, usually just literally throwing his case files out of a window, relying on Maksim and his union, The Ghost’s Guild, to cover for him.
- Vissari bears much resentment to his older but younger-looking brother, the famous magician Christ Angel (a parody of Criss Angel), due to Christ’s abuse of Vissari during their childhood.
- Vissari has a soft spot for Maksim, although this may be because Maksim covers for him so much.
- Despite being a counter-productive social worker, he appears to have a vast array of knowledge when it comes to the different types of beings that live in Moscow.
- He is an expert on all things occult or strange. He provides a lot of information.
- His mantra is “mass deportation”.
- While Maksim lives in a dumpy apartment. Vissari lives in an luxury apartment in the center of the city.
- A demonic, mid-level government bureaucrat who is the Director of Moscow’s office of National Migration Service.
- He speaks with a thick Ukrainian accent.
- Sacha loathes Maksim’s case files and would rather vaporize them than help them, but cannot, because infiltrating the Kremlin appears to be part of some larger demonic plan.
- His goal is to be promoted to a position in the Kremlin but he never is as Maksim (inadvertently) always seems to spoil his plans.
- He despises Social Services and their compassionate ways, so he slashes the budget down to just Vissari and Maksim, the only two he could not get rid of,
- Vissari due to his union and Maksim due to filling the token “Bleeding Heart” position, in order to allocate most of its funds to law enforcement.
- Despite his imposing demonic appearance, Sacha often relies on Demi to make sure the department runs properly.
- The Moscow’s most active immigration cop and like Sacha, has utter disdain for non-humans.
- He is as pure a Russian as one can imagine.
- Preferring to think of them all as “illegal”, he hunts down those who have strayed from the proper bureaucratic procedures that provide a path to Russian citizenship – at which point Maksim must step in to help.
- Gilyov’ frequently loses or destroys the papers of any non-human.
- Gilyov is the stereotypical battered policeman. His encounters with unruly creatures have left him with a lifetime’s worth of both physical scars, such as his missing elbow, and emotional ones, as that stemming from his broken marriage to a zombie.
- He also detests Maksim and anyone else who sympathizes with the immigrants.
- Gilyov commands a small but well-funded goon squad that operates like a rogue police force with NMS credentials. They break more laws than the enforce.
- He is very embarrassed by his daughter, who became a vampire and got married.
- He likes to collect model trains and also moonlights as a hospital security guard and contract hit-man.
- He is also shown to be attracted to older women.
- Flamingo Girl – Estonian woman. She has to top half of a big city stripper, but the bottom half of a flamingo. She has bird legs!
- Lukyan Vovk – Demi’s father and the highest ranking demon in Hell. He shows signs of having gynecomastia, and wishes that Demi had been born a boy demon. He is an avid fan of the perpetually rowdy FC Spartak Moscow. He sports a sign in his office in Hell, “Russia is for Ukrainians!”” and is seen frequently in Spartak attire and cheering for them on television. And of course his daughter works in immigration control. He is very antagonistic and likes nothing better than a good street brawl.
- Belarus Man – A man from Belarus. Works in a Kremlin gardener, but dreams of becoming the President of Belarus. Maksim once described him as a sociopath.
- Ramshad – A very timid Turkmen giant transvestite that lives in and around Maksim apartment and work. He never talks, has no part in this story, and is usually seen in the background. Maksim is always looking for him but Ramshad is always behind him.
- Nachum – A humanoid with senses and but no emotions. He is able to read punch cards, but is annoyed that everyone assumes he can. His dream is to be a human boy. It is possible that he is a former Moldavian who was murdered and became a humanoid robot to survive, but it is unknown if this is true as this was all part of an elaborate practical joke devised by Vissari. Vissari seems to always be chuckling when Maksim shows an interest in him.
- Ukrainian Gypsy Woman – A telepath from Ukraine. She and her husband have a complicated relationship and enjoy playing mind games on others, which is aided by their telepathic powers.
- Nikolai – A Siamese twin Kazakhstan creature. Works in a coffee shop. Oddly for their this condition, the heads see themselves as equals, while usually the right dominates the left and treats the left as a slave. They are possibly in love with each other.
- Kitten – A cat woman, from Tajikistan, she has a job of fertilizing a pile of eggs at a fish farm. Likes to point out negative or depressing facts.
- Evgeniia – Demi’s human mom, separated from Demi’s father the Devil and living in Moscow. She tells everyone that she was kidnapped and impregnated by Satin. She actually sold her soul to the Devil shortly after they first met in a night club, so that she could have a baby. She now is a human who sells auto insurance.
- Asdghig – An Armenian weeping woman and Vissari’s hologram. Originally used by Vissari as a means to communicate with Maksim when he is away, or to perform menial tasks for Vissari.
- Buddha – A walking, talking Buddha from Uzbekistan who has golden skin, wears a prayer beads necklace and always bares his large belly. He works as a computer programmer.
- Medusa – She is an Azerbaijan gorgon, a woman with green snakes for hair, and the body of a goddess. She wears a hijab to avoid committing crimes any controversy. She wants a quiet solitary life. She only wants to stay in Moscow. She works at the Lenin State Library.
- Imhotep – An Egyptian that works at a filling station. His movement and conversation is mummy-like.
- Krystal – The Russian girl Kostya turned vampire for. She is constantly changing attractions to different species and was already out of her vampire phase when Kostya got back to her after going vampire. However Kostya continues to stalk her, having problems admitting the relationship is over, let alone that it never started.
- Teen Mermaid – A Lithuanian Mermaid resembling Kristina Pimenova, but she is older at 12 years. She is a teen age rebel and almost always is giving people the finger. She lives in the river.
- Uzbek Ratso – A Uzbekistan immigrant something like a rat in his trench coat, he has a five o’clock shadow and slicks his hair back. Ends every sentence with “you know what I mean?” He is a professional thief.
- Maksim’s Landlady – Elderly woman who has slept with Bohdan Gilyov. Maksim has dreams about her and Gilyov.
- Gilyov’ Goon Squad – Shown doing all of Gilyov dirty deeds when he is not around. Loyal to Gilyov, but not afraid to leave him behind if it means their lives, just as Gilyov would them.
- Girl Anchor – A news anchor that reports on Moscow crime and immigration. Always seen smiling even when saying horrible things.
The New Russians universe features many different species including those that can be created for the series. Some of these creatures appear only briefly in episodes, often only as background characters. Angels, Buddhas, Hare Krishnas, demons, fairies, Soviet ghosts, Greek and Roman gods, hoblets, werewolf people, leprechauns, mermaids, mermen, pig people, skeletons, succubi, trolls, vampires and zombies.
Maksim Bortnik is tied to his bed in his apartment, while a female demon (Demi) laughs and shouts ” We all have our inner demons.” before flying out the window. Scorched onto the walls, are the words “See you in hell”.
A vampire (Kostya Zefirov), punches a hole through the door and unlocks it, charges into the room, and removes Maksim’s gag (red scorching hot panties). Maksim is outraged by the damage to his door, remarking that the door was unlocked. Kostya explains that he thought someone was getting murdered, and complains that Maksim’s sexual encounters with Demi are too noisy. Maksim tries to explain away the deviant nature of the encounter by saying that Demi has “aggression problems.” Maksim also remarks that Demi is the only dominate Moscow woman he has met. And the mentions that all the other Muscovites are submissive.
The two roommates then go downstairs and have breakfast. Maksim tries to order a new door, while Kostya pours some “fresh” blood out of a container in the refrigerator. The bottle has a white label on it marked, “Collected 15.7.12”
Kostya remarks, “If you don’t deal with your demons, they will deal with you, and it’s gonna hurt.” Maksim responds, “It did hurt.”
Later, at work at the National Migration Service (N.M.S.), Demi gives a presentation on budget cutbacks to the Social Services Department in order to fund more Law Enforcement.
Then, Sacha Mazur introduces a quota for arresting illegal immigrants for a prize automobile. Maksim protests, stating that quota systems are illegal and their job at the N.M.S., is to help immigrants, rather than arrest them. Nevertheless, Sacha tells Bohdan Gilyov and his team to arrest twenty illegal undocumented immigrants by the end of the day. Gilyov and Maksim get in a discussion about race, and Gilyov talks about the various injuries non-humans and foreigners have inflicted upon him.
Maksim is next seen giving a speech to the social services department, only to realize that they have all been laid off because of Sacha’s budget cuts. Maksim feels overwhelmed by the new case load, and Stalin’s ghost (Vissari) offers to help him, taking half of the files. As soon as Maksim leaves the room, Vissari throws the files into the incinerator and takes a shot of vodka.
Maksim then introduces group sessions with his immigrants, due to budget cuts, and there is tension between many of the various creatures. Teen Mermaid (in a very large aquarium) complains about the group sessions, and Kitten complains about the lack of “sand” in the Moscow toilets. Bermet, a Kyrgyz woman, complains about robots taking all the jobs. She claims that in her home country, the only robots are toilets. Hedeon, a humanoid, takes offense to her statements. As Demi interrupts the session, Maksim informs the immigrants that he is required to visit each of them at their jobs.
Maksim and Demi get in a bathroom stall at work and are about to have sex. Demi mentions that she wants to “show him Hell and to “rock ‘his’ world… in Hell”, and Maksim assumes that she’s planning another sexual encounter there. However, Demi is only bringing him there to piss off her father, a high ranking demon who will not approve of a compassionate human as his daughter’s boyfriend.
They are interrupted by Gypsy Woman, who has been listening to their encounter in the next stall.
Maksim next heads out to check on the immigrants from his class. Sacha remarks to Vissari that “he’s going to get eaten alive out there”, and Maksim is promptly thrown up on by a drunken homeless person half dresses in women’s clothes he dug out of the trash. Maksim is forced to buy some new clothes.
While Maksim sees that the immigrants are having tough times at their new jobs as he visits them, Gilyov raids a clothes manufacturing sweatshop.
Flamingo Girl is working as a dancer at a gentleman’s club. Maksim then rescues Flamingo Girl that Gilyov was holding for deportation. Gilyov has ripped her papers into shreads. Maksim is outraged and takes Flamingo Girl out of the situation.
Kostya calls Maksim’s cell phone, claiming to be in serious and urgent trouble. Maksim leaves instantly and finds Kostya, who’s “emergency” was a girl he met and now her blood is missing. Maksim, annoyed, leaves to check on zombie Tyler Mason. Tyler, a custodian the “MBD” (Moscow Brain Depository), tells Maksim that he doesn’t belong there. Maksim, on the phone with Vissari, reassures Tyler.
Vissari gives Demi Maksim’s password, which Maksim, furious, overhears. Demi searches through Maksim’s cases and, at Vissari’s suggestion, finds a twentieth target for Gilyov, Tyler Mason. On his way to Hell, Maksim complains to Kostya about it over the phone, while Kostya is at a nightclub sucking the blood of sick lost women.
Maksim meets Demi at a restaurant in Hell which is only a few feet below a Metro station. He, still under the impression that the two are meeting for a sexual encounter, awkwardly refers to having sex, only to find discover Demi’s father, Lukyan Vovk, standing behind her. Maksim realizes that he was invited to Hell to meet Demi’s father. Demi’s stepmother is also in attendance; clearly she has sold her soul to be a beautiful young supermodel. When she leaves the table to go into the bathroom, we see her in the mirror and she is not all that beautiful and she is quite a bit shorter in the mirror.
The four have dinner, and everyone in the restaurant is put off by Maksim’s remarks about having compassion. Demi whispers in Maksim’s ear that she is turned on by her father’s hatred of Maksim. Her nipple begin to burn. As Lukyan runs down compassion and charity; Demi’s breasts begin to smoke. She is sexually aroused.
After Lukyan and Kristina excuse themselves from the table, Maksim confronts Demi about the situation with his computer, saying that it’s unprofessional. Demi then informs Maksim that MBD stands for Municipal Brain Depository, a fact Maksim did not know. This makes zombie Tyler Mason’s job there incredibly inappropriate, and possibly dangerous. He might eat the brains.
The two rush to the MBD, and Maksim attempts to talk Tyler out of eating a brain. Despite Tyler getting shot by Gilyov, Maksim manages to talk Tyler down, and he leaves in an ambulance. Sacha wins the car for being first department arresting their twentieth non-human.
Maksim is very upset, and gets a pep talk from Vissari, whom he then learns is only a hologram, and walks away. Maksim is next seen in a bar with Kostya, who spots a young woman with varicose veins and points her out to Maksim. Demi walks in and accuses Maksim of looking at other women. Maksim tries to break things off with Demi by saying that he lives in constant fear that she’ll murder him and pointing out how evil she is, which touches Demi. She is turned on by talk of evil. He breasts begin to smoke and she kisses him.
Kostya goes home with the varicose woman. Since this is a comedy, lets make this scene actually funny!!! When she was asked a question in the bar, it was muffled. In the car home, everything the woman says is inaudible. Perhaps the audience can guess what she is saying. The woman mumbles to him once inside the apartment. Nothing is audible until she takes her pants off, and we hear (clearly), “I hope you don’t think I’m a slut. I usually don’t pick up men like this?”
The next moring, at the apartment, Maksim is once again tied to his bed, and shouts for Kostya to help let him out. The varicose woman, is standing there looking into the bedroom through the hole Kostya made previously in Maksim’s door. She has her pants on makes an inaudible comment. Kostya replies “I don’t think you are a slut but you do have a dirty mouth.”
At first glance, this story might seem like an anti-immigrant propaganda. I mean with immigrants all sorts of vampires and monsters, it might appear that way. However, the immigrants are all harmless and the sympathetic character is trying to help the immigrants assimilate into Moscow life. The devil however is anti-immigrant and of course there are less than heroic Russian’s who oppose migration also.
Basically, what I’m doing here is pitting Russia’s rare pro-immigration sentiment vs. the Devil and we will see which one wins in the hearts of the audience. Russia can choose between Satin and Immigration; take your choice.
It is placing an unpopular political position in opposition to a disturbing and an even more repugnant anti-hero. Hopefully, there will be clash enough in the audience’s mind to cause thought.
While this is not designed to change the heart or mind or to influence politics in anyway, it is written specifically to cause a self-examination of ones political belief.
It is the same principle in “The Corporate Culture”.
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