Alright, folks, gather ’round, let’s talk about something that’s as clear as a bottle of tequila—except not nearly as fun. Iran has been accused of sponsoring terrorism, particularly through groups like Hezbollah and, yeah, you guessed it—Hamas.

Now, I ain’t no geopolitical expert; I’m just a guy who enjoys a good cigar and maybe a drink or three. But let me tell ya, when a country’s sending money and weapons to groups labeled as terrorist organizations, you don’t need a PhD to figure out that something’s fishy. And this isn’t fishy like the tuna sandwich you forgot in your car for a week; it’s fishy like a mob boss offering to “take care” of your problems.

So Iran’s over here, right, sending missiles and financial support to Hamas, who are no angels themselves. Hamas has invaded Israel and killed over 1400 Jews. And they can’t even spell Hitler.

But you gotta wonder, what’s Iran’s end game here? World peace? Doubt it.

You ever hear about Iran and their “nuclear ambitions”? Ahh, yes. That’s what they call it: ambitions. Makes it sound like Iran’s nuclear program is a young kid from a small town who just wants to make it big in the city. “Momma, I got ambitions! I’m going nuclear!”

Now, the international community is concerned, you know, that these ambitions have “military dimensions.” Well, I got a pickup truck with “military dimensions,” but you don’t see the cops pulling me over about it, do ya? Well, ya do but that’s a different story.

And let’s talk about the U.N. Security Council for a moment. Imagine it as a family dinner, but instead of arguing over who gets the last slice of pie, they’re arguing over who gets to have weapons of mass destruction. Uncle Russia is slipping technical documents under the table to the Iranians, Auntie America is rolling her eyes, and little Iran? Oh, Iran is just sitting at the table, drawing pictures of rockets.

You ever notice they always say they’re doing it for “peaceful purposes”? Oh sure, because nothing says “peace” like the potential to level entire cities. That’s like saying you carry a chainsaw around for “gardening purposes.”

You know, they say Iran’s been enriching uranium, but they keep insisting it’s for “energy.” Yeah, sure, “energy.” And I keep a keg of beer in my garage for “hydration purposes.” Don’t you love semantics?

They say they’re building nuclear reactors, but for peaceful reasons. Look, if I built a catapult in my backyard and told my neighbors it’s for “scientific research,” would anybody believe me? “Hey Jim, don’t mind that rock flying past your window, I’m just studying gravity… in a medieval way.”

And have you ever seen their news releases? One day it’s, “We have advanced our nuclear program,” and the next it’s, “We have no nuclear program.” Make up your mind! It’s like a teenager caught smoking weed: “I have never touched marijuana, Mom, but if I did, I’d probably be really good at it.”

Oh, and then there’s the nuclear inspectors. These guys get sent in to poke around and what do they find? Centrifuges. “Oh, those aren’t for uranium, those are for… spinning… yarn. Yeah, we’re making rugs.” High-speed rugs that glow in the dark, apparently.

Now, folks, lemme tell you about this rule in Iran that women gotta wear a hijab. That’s right, it’s not like in America where you can put on a hat if you’re having a bad hair day, or if you’re like me, every day’s a no-hair day! Over there, it’s the law, like the “thou shalt not go out without your headscarf” kinda law.

You gotta ask yourself, what’s going on in a country where they’ve got fashion police? I mean, really, here the fashion police are on TV, and their biggest weapon is sarcasm. Over there, it’s an actual sick thing!

It’s like telling me I have to wear cowboy boots every day. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boots, but what if one day I wake up and want to wear sandals? Not that I would, because my toes are uglier than homemade sin, but the point is I like having the option!

Iran, the land of ancient culture, beautiful landscapes, and… one political party? Yep, that’s right. Over there, opposition parties get about as much airtime as a mime at a rock concert. You’ve got a better chance of becoming a snowman in the Sahara than running against the ruling regime. In Iran, ‘democracy’ must be Farsi for ‘shut up and agree with me.’

And speaking of agreeing, you better be careful what you do disagree with, because Iran isn’t exactly shy about using the death penalty. In fact, they’re one of the leading experts in it—kind of like how Michael Jordan is an expert in basketball, only with fewer slam dunks and with way worse consequences. I mean, I’m all for being number one, but executions are one leaderboard you don’t wanna top.

Now, you might think, “Surely they have some limits?” Well, not so much. Iran is one of the few countries that have been known to execute minors. It’s like they saw the ‘kids grow up so fast’ tv trope and took it way too literally. Let’s just say their idea of a “time-out” is a bit more permanent than what you’d find in most parenting books.

And speaking of books, don’t even think about writing a love story if it’s not straight out of an Amish community in the 1950s. In Iran, being LGBTQ+ is so illegal, it makes Al Capone look like the Pope. Want to show your true colors? Better make sure they match the flag, or it’s a one-way ticket to a very bad time.

Thank you and good night.