Santa and the Pole Dancer
ALAN NAFZGER’s Santa and the Pole Dancer
Santa and the Pole Dancer – Pecan Street Press
Lubbock ● Austin ● Fort Worth
Santa and the Pole Dancer is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
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Copyright © 2015 Alan Nafzger
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 9781072078753
Santa and the Pole Dancer
By Alan Nafzger
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK SIDEWALK E. 47th STREET – DUSK
Santa and the Pole Dancer
BEGIN TITLES:
Santa and the Pole Dancer
It is a summer evening. CANDI, a rather elegant and beautiful young woman, is walking on West on 47th. She is dressed immaculately and we might assume that she is going to a dinner party. But she walks into a Times Square gentleman’s club, “Manhattan Satin”.
Santa and the Pole Dancer
CANDI
(Southern accent)
Howdy, Patrick.
Santa and the Pole Dancer
PATRICK opens the door for her.
Santa and the Pole Dancer
CANDI
(Brooklyn accent)
How ya doin’, Candi.
Santa and the Pole Dancer
INT. Manhattan Satin – NIGHT
Inside we see a typical strip club early in the evening. It isn’t crowed. The music is relatively sedate. CANDI smiles at the bar tender who pours her a soda.
CANDI
Thanks, Tyron.
TYRON
No problem, Candi.
CANDI takes her soda and sits at the bar.
TYRON
How was your bar exam?
CANDI
I just took it this morning.
TYRON
Yea, I know?
CANDI
I’ve been reading for years it seems. But its over now, I feel much better.
TYRON
You can’t practice law until you get the results back?
CANDI
Let’s just say I will be working here until, I will get the results in November.
It is humiliating to CANDI to have finished law school and yet still have to dance.
TYRON
You are okay?
But she is matter of fact about it.
CANDI
Hey, money is money. What does it matter how you get it?
TYRON
That is right you are going to be a lawyer. You will be moving down in society.
CANDI
Yea.
CANDI looks around at the few patrons.
CANDI
This place is dead.
TYRON
Don’t worry by the time you get up on stage, they will be here.
CANDI isn’t convinced. She looks bored and maybe needs a change.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SANTA’S OFFICE – DAY
SANTA and his managers, who are the older elves, are brain storming a solution to the labor problems. RONALD, THOMAS and AUGUSTO are in the office offering their advice to SANTA.
SANTA walks to the outside window and looks down into the protesting ELVES. There are well over 100s of angry ELVES.
CUT TO: Outside Santa’s Workshop
The ELVES are walking around the outside the workshop holding placards saying …
- No Pay, no Toys!
- Come and Make It!
- Screw You – Pay Me!
- Eat Santa!
- Chavez Lives At the North Pole!
- Every Elf a Santa!
The “Eat Santa!” sign has the image of a dinner fork.
ELVES
(chanting loudly)
No pay, no toys!
No pay, no toys!
No pay, no toys!
BACK TO: SANTA’S OFFICE
SANTA fixates on the “Eat Santa!” placard. SANTA grimaces.
THOMAS
(to Ronald)
Santa will probably not be able to deliver all presents on time because of this labor dispute.
RONALD
Why do they call it a labour dispute when there isn’t any labour going on?
AUGUSTO
Santa, let me go down with some of my elves and crack some heads.
SANTA
No. No. Things will settle down as we get closer to Christmas Eve.
CUT TO: Outside Santa’s Workshop
Vladimir
What do we want?
ELVES
Respect!
Vladimir
When to we want it?
ELVES
Now!
BACK TO: Santa’s Office
RONALD
The Elves, are not happy!
THOMAS
In fact, they are very angry!
Santa and the Pole Dancer
SANTA walks to the inside window and looks into the workshop. There are only a 100 ELVES working where there used to be well over 100s.
SANTA
Some work is getting done.
There is a scoreboard on the wall of the workshop as well at one in SANTA’s office. It reads 50%. Only half of the ELVES are working. The others are on strike.
RONALD, THOMAS and AUGUSTO join SANTA at the window.
AUGUSTO
Not near enough. You are going to have to take some drastic action to save Christmas.
SANTA
(puzzled)
They generally work so very hard.
RONALD, THOMAS and AUGUSTO leave the window to the workshop. SANTA remains watching the happy elves work.
RONALD
They want a salary!
AUGUSTO
That is the end of Christmas, as we know it! They want paid holidays!
THOMAS
They want to retire at 45!
RONALD
They want free healthcare.
THOMAS
They want 3 months off every year.
RONALD
They want more cookies with a regular lunch.
AUGUSTO
They want a more cookies and that just can’t happen.
SANTA
Wait a minute. I’m Santa. They’re working for Santa and I don’t charge children for the presents they get. Where would I get money to pay them? I don’t make any profit.
(pause)
More cookies might mean fewer toys.
RONALD
Maybe we can start charging for presents.
SANTA
I’ll see what I can do. But… I’m sceptical about that.
THOMAS
We’ll make a profit.
RONALD
We can pay ourselves a big bonus.
(pause)
And with the rest of the money we’ll go on a trip to Vancouver.
SANTA
Wait a minute. What if children don’t have any money?
THOMAS
The parents’ have credit cards!
AUGUSTO
Or we can take the children’s piggy banks.
RONALD
We could give them credit.
(pause)
And charge high lending fees.
THOMAS
We’ll become a big box Santa Superstore. Or a Santa-bay where you can pay with SantaPal.
RONALD
We’ll make lots of money.
SANTA isn’t as thrilled with the idea as the three ELVES. He seems to have stopped listening when they began talking about charging a price for the toys.
SANTA is depressed looking out the window into the workshop.
The happy ELVES notice and wave happily up to him. The few ELVES that are working are oblivious to the labor strife and could be called goofy. SANTA’S dream world has come to an end. He remembers the successful operation of the past.
FLASHBACK: SANTA is younger; his beard is red instead of white. Mrs. Clause is young and tight. The old crowded workshop of the past were work on the toys was at a fast pace. On the wall of the old toy factory there is a scoreboard and it reads 110%.
BACK TO: Santa’s office
SANTA glances at the factory scoreboard and now reads 49%.
AUGUSTO
It will be much easier to have them clear out, and find replacement Elves. We can do that. I know a guy.
SANTA has a tear in his eye. He looks despondent.
ENTER: From SANTA’S P.O.V., HOLLY enters the workshop from a door marked with a neon sign “The North Pole”. Attached to the workshop is a “gentleman’s club”. HOLLY is a 70 year old woman. She is barely able to walk; she has a walker and progresses very slowly.
She stops to visit with the happy ELVES on the factory floor. She seems happy and the ELVES love the attention she shows them.
As HOLLY is struggling with the walker to climb the stairs to SANTA’s office, the chanting outside suddenly stops. RONALD, THOMAS and AUGUSTO rush to the outside window.
MRS. CLAUS is downstairs with a cart full of cookies. The ELVES stop their protest and eat their cookies.
RONALD
Cookies?
AUGUSTO
Santa you are going to have to have a talk with your wife. She is still baking for them.
SANTA is watching HOLLY make her way slowly to his office.
SANTA
I can’t ask Mrs. Clause to stop making cookies. It is very important to her. No. I can’t do that to her.
Back to: Protest outside
MRS. CLAUS has cleared out; the cookies are gone. The chanting resumes.
ELVES
(chanting)
Santa can’t hide for long!
We unite our voice is strong!
HOLLY knocks and SANTA motions for her to enter the office. She is old and not energetic anymore.
SANTA
(jolly)
Holly. Good to see you.
HOLLY
Well, you haven’t been into the “North Pole” in 48 years. Not since I was 22.
SANTA
Holly. You know I’m too old for all of that kind of stuff.
HOLLY
Santa, you should know; you are NEVER too old for that.
SANTA laughs hardily.
SANTA
What can I do for you?
HOLLY
Santa, you know I’ve never asked you for anything. And, I’ve been working for you for … well my entire career. And I appreciate this opportunity … not many dancers have such a long career.
SANTA
Oh, well it sure will be a loss. Can you hold off retirement until we can get a replacement up here?
HOLLY
Oh, Santa. I think you misunderstand. I don’t want to retire. I just need a vacation.
SANTA
Oh, Holly. I’m sorry. Sure. Where do you want to go?
HOLLY
Vancouver! I’ve always wanted to go there.
SANTA
Warm this time of year. See accounting and transportation. I will tell them what is going on. Now you don’t feel you need to come back soon.
(pause)
In fact, don’t come back until you are entirely rested.
HOLLY
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
HOLLY leaves the office rejuvenated.
RONALD
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
THOMAS
We can hire a hard body dancer and solve a lot of this labour unrest!
SANTA
That is exactly what I was thinking.
The production scoreboard reads “48%”. Santa is losing ground with every hour.
Santa and the Pole Dancer
Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, or simply Santa, is a legendary character originating in Western Christian culture who is said to bring children gifts on Christmas Eve of toys and candy or coal or nothing, depending on whether they are “naughty or nice”. He is said to accomplish this with the aid of Christmas elves, who make the toys in his workshop at the North Pole, and flying reindeer who pull his sleigh through the air.
The modern character of Santa is based on traditions surrounding the historical Saint Nicholas, the English figure of Father Christmas and the Dutch figure of Sinterklaas.
Santa is generally depicted as a portly, jolly, white-bearded man, often with spectacles, wearing a red coat with white fur collar and cuffs, white-fur-cuffed red trousers, red hat with white fur, and black leather belt and boots, carrying a bag full of gifts for children. He is commonly portrayed as laughing in a way that sounds like “ho ho ho”. This image became popular in the United States and Canada in the 19th century due to the significant influence of the 1823 poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas”. Caricaturist and political cartoonist Thomas Nast also played a role in the creation of Santa’s image.[6][7][8] This image has been maintained and reinforced through song, radio, television, children’s books, family Christmas traditions, films, and advertising.
Early representations of the gift-giver from Church history and folklore, especially St Nicholas, merged with the English character Father Christmas to create the mythical character known to the rest of the English-speaking world as “Santa Claus” (a phonetic derivation of “Sinterklaas” in Dutch).
In the English and later British colonies of North America, and later in the United States, British and Dutch versions of the gift-giver merged further. For example, in Washington Irving’s History of New York (1809), Sinterklaas was Anglicized into “Santa Claus” (a name first used in the U.S. press in 1773)[29] but lost his bishop’s apparel, and was at first pictured as a thick-bellied Dutch sailor with a pipe in a green winter coat. Irving’s book was a parody of the Dutch culture of New York, and much of this portrait is his joking invention.[30] Irving’s interpretation of Santa Claus was part of a broader movement to tone down the increasingly wild Christmas celebrations of the era, which included aggressive home invasions under the guise of wassailing, substantial premarital sex (leading to shotgun weddings in areas where the Puritans, waning in power and firmly opposed to Christmas, still held some influence) and public displays of sexual deviancy; the celebrations of the era were derided by both upper-class merchants and Christian purists.
Elves had been portrayed as using assembly lines to produce toys early in the 20th century. That shift was reflected in the modern depiction of Santa’s residence—now often humorously portrayed as a fully mechanized production and distribution facility, equipped with the latest manufacturing technology, and overseen by the elves with Santa and Mrs. Claus as executives or managers.[49] An excerpt from a 2004 article, from a supply chain managers’ trade magazine, aptly illustrates this depiction:
Santa’s main distribution center is a sight to behold. At 4,000,000 square feet (370,000 m2), it’s one of the world’s largest facilities. A real-time warehouse management system (WMS) is of course required to run such a complex. The facility makes extensive use of task interleaving, literally combining dozens of DC activities (putaway, replenishing, order picking, sleigh loading, cycle counting) in a dynamic queue the DC elves have been on engineered standards and incentives for three years, leading to a 12% gain in productivity. The WMS and transportation system are fully integrated, allowing (the elves) to make optimal decisions that balance transportation and order picking and other DC costs. Unbeknownst to many, Santa actually has to use many sleighs and fake Santa drivers to get the job done Christmas Eve, and the transportation management system (TMS) optimally builds thousands of consolidated sacks that maximize cube utilization and minimize total air miles.[50]
In 1912, the actor Leedham Bantock became the first actor to be identified as having played Santa Claus in a film. Santa Claus, which he also directed, included scenes photographed in a limited, two-tone color process and featured the use of detailed models.[51][52] Since then many feature films have featured Santa Claus as a protagonist, including Miracle on 34th Street, The Santa Clause and Elf. Santa Claus is also a meetable character at all of the Disney Parks and Resorts during the Holiday season, and can be seen during various parades throughout the parks. His grotto is usually located in Fantasyland.
In the cartoon base, Santa has been voiced by several people, including Stan Francis, Mickey Rooney, Ed Asner, John Goodman, and Keith Wickham.
Santa has been described as a positive male cultural icon:
Santa is really the only cultural icon we have who’s male, does not carry a gun, and is all about peace, joy, giving, and caring for other people. That’s part of the magic for me, especially in a culture where we’ve become so commercialized and hooked into manufactured icons. Santa is much more organic, integral, connected to the past, and therefore connected to the future.
Norman Corwin’s 1938 comic radio play The Plot to Overthrow Christmas, set entirely in rhyme, details a conspiracy of the Devil Mephistopheles and damned figures of history to defeat the good will among men of Christmas, by sending the Roman emperor Nero to the North Pole to assassinate Santa Claus. Through a battle of wits, Santa saves himself by winning Nero over to the joys of Christmas, and gives him a Stradivarius violin. The play was re-produced in 1940 and 1944.
Many television commercials, comic strips and other media depict this as a sort of humorous business, with Santa’s elves acting as a sometimes mischievously disgruntled workforce, cracking jokes and pulling pranks on their boss. For instance, a Bloom County story from 15 December 1981 through 24 December 1981 has Santa rejecting the demands of PETCO (Professional Elves Toy-Making and Craft Organization) for higher wages, a hot tub in the locker room, and “short broads,” with the elves then going on strike. President Reagan steps in, fires all of Santa’s helpers, and replaces them with out-of-work air traffic controllers (an obvious reference to the 1981 air traffic controllers’ strike), resulting in a riot before Santa vindictively rehires them in humiliating new positions such as his reindeer.[54] In The Sopranos episode, “To Save Us All from Satan’s Power”, Paulie Gualtieri says he “Used to think Santa and Mrs. Claus were running a sweatshop over there. The original elves were ugly, traveled with Santa to throw bad kids a beatin’, and gave the good ones toys.”
In Kyrgyzstan, a mountain peak was named after Santa Claus, after a Swedish company had suggested the location be a more efficient starting place for present-delivering journeys all over the world, than Lapland. In the Kyrgyz capital, Bishkek, a Santa Claus Festival was held on 30 December 2007, with government officials attending. 2008 was officially declared the Year of Santa Claus in the country. The events are seen as moves to boost tourism in Kyrgyzstan.
The Guinness World Record for the largest gathering of Santa Clauses is held by Thrissur, Kerala, India where on 27 December 2014, 18,112 Santas overtook the previous record. Derry City, Northern Ireland had held the record since 9 September 2007, when a total of 12,965 people dressed up as Santa or Santa’s helpers. Prior to that, the record was 3,921, which was set during the Santa Dash event in Liverpool City Centre in 2005.[56] A gathering of Santas in 2009 in Bucharest, Romania attempted to top the world record, but failed with only 3,939 Santas.[57]
In professional wrestling, on the 23 December 2019 edition of Monday Night Raw (filmed on 22 December), independent wrestler Bear Bronson dressed up as Santa Claus to win the WWE 24/7 Championship from Akira Tozawa at Columbus Circle in New York during a sightseeing trip. Santa later lost the championship to R-Truth via a roll-up at the Lincoln Center.[58]
Like other forms of popular culture, Santa Claus also appears in a few video games.